With Facebook.

I know people who sit at their computers and/or smart phones all day looking at facebook. They play games (which thankfully I have never been tempted to play). They stalk people's pages. They scroll for hours, and hours and hours. I know those people. I feel bad for those people.

And secretly - I have more in common with those people than I'd ever like to admit.

Granted I don't exactly have the luxury of spending hour after hour at my computer any more. Thanks kids. But if I did, I could totally hyper focus on Facebook or Pinterest or whatever for half a day or shit, even a whole day. I've done it before.

I have, however, discovered this really gross habit that I've developed.

Obsessively checking Facebook. Perhaps not obsessively - but entirely too often. The click back from one page to Facebook intermittently throughout the evening/afternoon to see who's said what about something I posted... It's time consuming. And when you realize you're doing it, it's a bit soul crushing. But there I was an hour later with seemingly nothing to do, plopping down at my computer and clicking the little blue F on my bookmark toolbar...

So I gave up Facebook, what? Four, five days ago? I've lost count honestly. And I've done pretty well with it. I've signed in a couple of times, going directly to the homeschool group's page to check on outings (while wandering round the Botanical gardens, wondering why I hadn't seen anyone from the group there yet) and I've posted photos directly from Instagram. But I have left the red little bubbles that alert you to new things up at the top completely alone.

So far, so good.
Except not really. I find myself staring at Instagram, looking for me. me. me. Look at me. Who's talking to me? Who's out there willing to connect with me? Even if it's just a little <3 on a photo I snapped of my kids.

Do you want to throw up yet?

Because I do.

How disgusting am I that I have come to rely on social media to connect with other people??? Today I really just wanted to pull my own fingernails out after realizing just what I was doing...

And so, I texted my two best friends in the whole wide world - who currently live a thousand miles away from me and with whom I don't talk as much as I'd like.

I sent love to them. I reminded them how much they mean to me and how much I miss having them in my life. And in return, I got love and sunshine.

And I called my brother and talked to him.

And I chatted with my grandmother.

Because realizing that I had grown dependent on social media for human interaction (a large chunk of human interaction in my life) was beyond disturbing. And I decided right then and there that there are meaningful connections that I could and should be making instead. There are letters to write and phone calls to make. There is a real life to enjoy outside of me. me. me.

Am I going to give up on Facebook all together? Probably not. But Lent starts tomorrow and I think I'll let it go until Easter.

The paramaters of my Lenten Fasting are as follows:

For Facebook: ONLY homeschool group business. No clicking alerts, checking my home page OR my news feed. No adding new friends, messaging (unless it's a group thing and I don't have a phone number to call), and obviously no posting/commenting. For Instagram: only posting of photos. No scrolling the newsfeed, no social interaction, no notifications of <3. Basically just continue my 100 Happy Days Project, because I seriously love that shit. And Pinterest, o Pinterest you rascally devil - you and I have been on good terms these past months since I decided to just chill the fuck out on all the craziness. But you and I should really part ways these 40 days. I may use you to find a link to a recipe or craft or home school lesson from my own page. But that is all. No going to pinterest.com and pinning all the things. Just a pop in at My Page to find what I'm looking for. When I'm looking for something specific.

Instead of all this internet time I think I should like to improve the flow and rhythm of my days. Set a bit of a schedule and follow it. Get outside more (which I have been doing quite a lot these days) go for walks, read more, write more, make more art and work on My Family History Project.

Will I accomplish anything at all with this fast? I don't have a damned clue. For now I just feel better airing out my dirty laundry, setting out my selfishness into the blog-sphere and releasing it. Now it's out there and now it can stay gone.

Adios narcissism.

Yet another list of reasons to quit Facebook, another person pointing out just how shallow human interaction is on that sight popped up in my newsfeed just now.
In the past I've always thought, yeah that's great for them, but it really is such a simple way to keep up with family and friends and when you live 1,000 miles from your nearest family member - easy upkeep is important.
So I thought.
But tonight the sinking suspicion that Facebook is actually harming the way I function as a human being morphed into something just a touch beyond suspicion.
The people I'm most concerned with on Facebook are my mother, my grandmother and a couple of my friends. For the most part my facebook experience consists of a shit ton of videos and links to "cool shit" and "inspirational ideas." And while those things are fun and can be great - they're not actually helping me get anything accomplished.
Like at all.
Ever.
And while it's so nice to know that people appreciate the photos of my children and status updates of their witticisms on occasion - I find myself regularly posting a slew of political links and getting enraged about issues and then doing nothing at all about said issues - except posting and getting pissed off.
And it's ridiculous and quite frankly, embarrassing.
Like -ooooohhhh look at me, look at what I believe. Look at how well-written this argument is for x don't you wish you could state your counter argument as eloquently as this person??? And I'll admit - I even knowingly troll some people. How immature can you get? I know this person is a fundamentally different human being and I pretend like there is no feasible way that I could even begin to understand where this person is coming from on any number of issues (even tho I know that ze is coming from an upbringing shrouded in religious dogma and social intolerance and there is no way we are ever, ever, ever going to see eye-to-eye).
So, tonight with that humiliating confession, I'm changing the way I use The Social Network.
I've already got instagram and pinterest. Those two things are amazing and time consuming enough. I really don't need the added drama of Facebook, constantly scrolling through to see who's doing what with whom and how (or more likely who's posted what link about the government's plot to take over our lives, the disintegration of women's rights, and/or failings of the public school system).
It's not like I enjoy being up on people's drama. In fact probably half of my friends are blocked from my newsfeed because I was sick of their bullshit but didn't want to go through the hassle of "why'd you defriend me bro?" What's that say about the state of my affairs when I'm blocking half the content of a site yet still hitting said site up every day... multiple times a day.
I have A.D.D. and things like Facebook and Pinterest can really turn into a time suck for me as I hyper focus on my screen, ignoring things like whining children and household chores for hours on end (maybe that's an exaggeration.... eventually I will snap out of it and likely scream at my children for being so damn whiny when in all actuality, I've been a pretty shitty mom for the past x amount of time that I was just blocking them out).
My point being - Facebook, as it is simply isn't a healthy tool for me.
But it is a very cool scrapbook of sorts of my past 8 or so years.
And my family does enjoy getting to see instant pictures of my children.
And it's not likely that any of them will join instagram with any regularity anyway.
So, for my sanity I'm going on one of those new faddish Social Network Diets.
I'm not going to log in to Facebook for the next two weeks. I've got a cool homeschool group I interact with on there so I've marked their upcoming social gatherings on my paper calendar and will see those real, actual human beings on those days.
But for the rest of it, I'll likely just Instagram it up. Maybe post a bit more on Ye Olde Blog here. The awesome thing is, I can take this Social Network Diet and still share photos with my family simply by hitting "share on Facebook" when I Instagram.
Easy Peasy. No hours spent watching videos, following the rabbit hole of HuffPost links or whatever it is I find myself doing, reading about people I don't really care about that much.
Sure it's not a total media blackout - I enjoy Instagram and my followings are minimal so there's not a ton of scrolling to do there. And I've been getting better about hanging out on Pinterest the past few weeks but I'll probably hit it up with my morning coffee for garden and homeschool inspiration.
The facts are these: A.D.D. chronic depression, and the rat lever, blackhole that is Facebook (and Pinterest and to an extent even Instagram) just DO NOT mix.
I feel shitty when I sit at my computer all day, clicking the bookmarks at the top of my browser, switching between Pinterest, facebook and yahoo. It's a shitty feeling and I'm tired of it. Just like I got tired of sitting around binge watching netflix a couple of years ago.
So, I'm going to get outside more. Engage in my 100 Happy Days on Instagram (more on that later in the week, I promise) and get shit done.