I know people who sit at their computers and/or smart phones all day looking at facebook. They play games (which thankfully I have never been tempted to play). They stalk people's pages. They scroll for hours, and hours and hours. I know those people. I feel bad for those people.
And secretly - I have more in common with those people than I'd ever like to admit.
Granted I don't exactly have the luxury of spending hour after hour at my computer any more. Thanks kids. But if I did, I could totally hyper focus on Facebook or Pinterest or whatever for half a day or shit, even a whole day. I've done it before.
I have, however, discovered this really gross habit that I've developed.
Obsessively checking Facebook. Perhaps not obsessively - but entirely too often. The click back from one page to Facebook intermittently throughout the evening/afternoon to see who's said what about something I posted... It's time consuming. And when you realize you're doing it, it's a bit soul crushing. But there I was an hour later with seemingly nothing to do, plopping down at my computer and clicking the little blue F on my bookmark toolbar...
So I gave up Facebook, what? Four, five days ago? I've lost count honestly. And I've done pretty well with it. I've signed in a couple of times, going directly to the homeschool group's page to check on outings (while wandering round the Botanical gardens, wondering why I hadn't seen anyone from the group there yet) and I've posted photos directly from Instagram. But I have left the red little bubbles that alert you to new things up at the top completely alone.
So far, so good.
Except not really. I find myself staring at Instagram, looking for me. me. me. Look at me. Who's talking to me? Who's out there willing to connect with me? Even if it's just a little <3 on a photo I snapped of my kids.
Do you want to throw up yet?
Because I do.
How disgusting am I that I have come to rely on social media to connect with other people??? Today I really just wanted to pull my own fingernails out after realizing just what I was doing...
And so, I texted my two best friends in the whole wide world - who currently live a thousand miles away from me and with whom I don't talk as much as I'd like.
I sent love to them. I reminded them how much they mean to me and how much I miss having them in my life. And in return, I got love and sunshine.
And I called my brother and talked to him.
And I chatted with my grandmother.
Because realizing that I had grown dependent on social media for human interaction (a large chunk of human interaction in my life) was beyond disturbing. And I decided right then and there that there are meaningful connections that I could and should be making instead. There are letters to write and phone calls to make. There is a real life to enjoy outside of me. me. me.
Am I going to give up on Facebook all together? Probably not. But Lent starts tomorrow and I think I'll let it go until Easter.
The paramaters of my Lenten Fasting are as follows:
For Facebook: ONLY homeschool group business. No clicking alerts, checking my home page OR my news feed. No adding new friends, messaging (unless it's a group thing and I don't have a phone number to call), and obviously no posting/commenting. For Instagram: only posting of photos. No scrolling the newsfeed, no social interaction, no notifications of <3. Basically just continue my 100 Happy Days Project, because I seriously love that shit. And Pinterest, o Pinterest you rascally devil - you and I have been on good terms these past months since I decided to just chill the fuck out on all the craziness. But you and I should really part ways these 40 days. I may use you to find a link to a recipe or craft or home school lesson from my own page. But that is all. No going to pinterest.com and pinning all the things. Just a pop in at My Page to find what I'm looking for. When I'm looking for something specific.
Instead of all this internet time I think I should like to improve the flow and rhythm of my days. Set a bit of a schedule and follow it. Get outside more (which I have been doing quite a lot these days) go for walks, read more, write more, make more art and work on My Family History Project.
Will I accomplish anything at all with this fast? I don't have a damned clue. For now I just feel better airing out my dirty laundry, setting out my selfishness into the blog-sphere and releasing it. Now it's out there and now it can stay gone.
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| Adios narcissism. |
