The recipe for my particular brand of postpartum depression:

1 part PMS psycho bitch hormones
3 parts extreme apathy
2 parts crushing hopelessness
4 parts inexplicable rage
1 part general sad/weepiness

Take ingredients and toss haphazardly into a blender. Do not place lid on said blender. Turn on high and watch as yet another mental disorder spews its shitty mess all over everything and everyone around you.
Stare hopelessly at said mess and wonder how the hell you're going to clean this up.
Do not turn off blender. Simply add more ingredients as you have them.
When out of ingredients, collapse into a heap.

This is where I am right now.
I, however, am extremely lucky in that I know that this is post postpartum depression. I know that PPD is temporary and that like all depression - he is a lying bastard. PPD will probably stick around a few months and vacate just in time for SAD (which is an acronym for my other best mental disorder Seasonal Affective Disorder). This is the pessimist in me.
But I do know that it will be bright again. The sun will shine. Babies will laugh. Chocolate cakes will be made (and hopefully consumed by me).
So today I am going to drag my ass up, take a shower, read a heart-warming letter from Stephen Fry, be grateful for the good times and attempt to march through another day.
And maybe today will be that sunny day.

Well... it's about to be official.
Or maybe it is official.
Who knows when it comes to anything going on in my head.
After 6 years of battling depression and negative self-image, my new shrink looked me straight in the face and said, "I think you have A.D.D."
And I scoffed. Like, pompous blue blood driving past a blue collar 4th of July Picnic - scoffed.
A.D.D? That's a made up disorder for little boys who are just being little boys.

Isn't it? 

And then she gave me The Test.
She says, "Take this home, look it over. See if any of it rings true."

Eight questions in, I want to scream.
I am not only suffering from everything on the list so far - I am paralyzed by everything on the list.
And they are things that I thought pointed to depression.
Inability to meet goals or deadlines?
Many projects going on simultaneously, trouble with follow through?
Self-depreciating attitude, negative self-image never does enough despite what you actually accomplish?

The list went on.
And suddenly those things that I just thought were part of my personality and were never going to go away, constantly losing things, forgetting everything, thinking about 15,387 different things at a time without being able to consistently focus on one thing for any length of time... Apparently, A.D.D. will do that to you.
I'm 23 years old with a preschooler and a baby on the way and have just been diagnosed with ADD.

I have sailed through childhood, staying under the radar, being just good enough to get by, all the while not functioning at my fullest. I mean, if there's any phrase that describes me (and my brothers) it's "wasted potential." We know we're capable of more, but somehow, we never manage to get there. I know I'm smarter than "average" - but I never seem to function above average.

So. Now, I have to stop, look around and figure out where to go from here.

YAY for new diagnoses. They are always fun.